SIDE NOTE: The title of this episode is in reference to a boxing movie called “Requiem for a Heavyweight” — a TV movie written by Rod Serling that was remade 6 years later as a feature film starring Jackie Gleason. It’s a great movie, but depressing as fuck. Seriously, I’m talking Masterpiece Depressing Theatre.
SIDE NOTE 2: If memory serves, Urkel is forced by a coach/teacher in this episode to box a bully at school, cuz that totally happens all the time…for reals, guys.
The Pre-Intro Gag is Harriette griping about the job she got back in the 2nd episode of the 1st season and literally hasn’t mentioned since and Mother Winslow going on a date with a guy named Fletcher Thomas.
Harriette asks Mother Winslow if she’ll be sexing it up with him after dinner. No joke.
Post-Intro, we’re in the Winslow’s living room later that night.
Laura enters & asks her mom if she can go to an upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance (that’s where the girls ask the boys) but Harriette is only interested in making Laura “model” a new old-lady nightgown she bought her:
Even though it’s late at night, Urkel shows up because he can sense when Laura is even close to baring some skin. The Urk-man offers Laura the opportunity to ask him to the dance, but Laura is lusting after some kid named Greg Hudson & is planning on asking him.
Steve tells her that Greg’s a snaggle-toothed in-breeder, but if Greg turns her down, he’ll still be available:
The next day at school, Waldo Faldo questions why some extra is breaking into Urkel’s locker:
SIDE NOTE 3: Urkel’s locker is equipped with an alarm & when it goes off, Waldo & the extra run off (across the hall) while Urkel arrives & inspects his locker to make sure none of his Laura photos are missing:
Steve approaches the kid who was trying to break into his locker and we find out the kid’s name is Willie Fuffner aka Larenz Tate aka O-Dog from Menace II Society:
Anyway, Urkel asks who among the students in the hallway will stand up to people like Fuffner & everyone disperses, cuz we’re 9 minutes into this episode and don’t have much of a plot yet.
SIDE NOTE 4: Laura shows up (her locker is next to Urkel’s) and there’s this really surreal moment where she looks at all the photos of herself in Steve’s locker and Urkel kisses one of her pictures:
Next, Greg Hudson shows up & when Laura asks him to the dance, he turns her down & she runs away, all butt-hurt.
Urkel asks Greg why he turned Laura down & Greg says that Fuffner likes Laura & threatened to humble him (and anyone else who asks accepts her offer) the old-fashioned way if they accept.
AND – in some convoluted logic – Fuffner WANTS Laura to go to the dance with Urkel, cuz cocaine wrote TV scripts in the 80’s?
Well, that’s all Urkel can take & he can’t takes no more. He wants Laura to choose him for him, because of him, not because someone else is forcing her to.
So, Urkel approaches & slaps Fuffner with a glove…
…demanding satisfaction.
By satisfaction, Urkel means that he plans on beating up Fuffner to restore Laura’s good reputation.
Just then, a school coach shows up & tells Urkel & Fuffner to settle their beef in a local gym on Saturday in a boxing ring, cuz it’s time for a commercial on the Taiwanese bootleg website where I’m watching this:
After my pee break, we’re at Silver’s Gym & Carl is gonna teach Urkel to box.
Urkel makes a graceful entrance into the ring:
Once Steve finally makes it inside the ring, Carl gives him some boxing advice, mainly about making sure to jab your opponent, which Urkel masters quickly & efficiently:
SIDE NOTE 5: In fact, every time Carl says jab, Urkel lands one in his face. Ha!
A couple of minutes later, Carl is tired, so they call it a day.
We fade to later that night, when Mother Winslow is coming home after a date with Fletcher.
They kiss goodnight, while Carl creep-peeps on:
Carl interrupts their smooching, salting his mom’s game. They argue (briefly) and Mother Winslow tells Carl to mind his own fucking business.
And that’s it for the B-Plot.
Back at the gym, it’s fight day and Laura is actually there to cheer Urkel on, since he’s defending her honor.
SIDE NOTE 6: Urkel is introduced as weighing 97 lbs. soaking wet.
The boxing match starts with Urkel getting knocked down (but getting back up) within seconds, but then the Urk-man catches his rhythm, dancing around the ring, trying to tire out Fuffner:
Suddenly, Fuffner lands a right hook and Urkel goes down harder than Future-Judy in Booty Talk, Volume 6.
But Urkel makes it to his feet before the count ends. He stands, unwilling to accept defeat and finally lands one good shot on Fuffner…which has little effect and Urkel ends up using the ropes to hold himself up, while Fuffner pounds him harder than Future-Judy got pounded in My Baby Got Back, Volume 29.
For the next couple of minutes, Urkel takes a Rocky-esque beating but (much like Rocky) refuses to stay down. His bravery inspires all the kids in the gym who were once afraid of Fuffner to stand, united against the bully and a frightened Fuffner leaves the ring and arena.
Urkel wins by default.
And to top it all off, when Greg Hudson asks Laura to the dance, she turns him down and says she’s going with the Urk-man. I nearly shit myself.
Victory:
EPISODE RECAP: Urkel boxes to defend Laura’s honor; Mother Winslow is DTF.
LESSONS LEARNED: Menace II Society was a good movie; Urkel is the Black Rocky (I assume).
Family Matters Reviewed 