The Pre-Intro Gag is Laura, Crave & Eddie bitching about having to wash the dishes after dinner:
(To pick up the plate, I mean. And it’s good practice for your future porn career, in case no one on this site ever mentioned that that’s what you do when you grow up.”)
SIDE NOTE: The Intro is still the Extended Version but is more upbeat. I think the back-up singers are younger or something because there’s more of a “pop” sound to the song.
Post-Intro finds us in the Winslow’s dining room/kitchen area where Laura is mocking Eddie for being grounded for no given reason, cuz — like usual — Fuck Eddie.
Carl comes home & is still wearing his police uniform (making its 2nd appearance in 7 episodes).
He’s excited because he has the best driving-safety record of any cop in Chicago & that means instead of a promotion or raise, he gets to drive the car that will lead the Columbus Day Parade:
Then he takes everybody outside to show them the 1936 Ford Police Car he’ll be driving:
They all want to climb in & go cruising. Carl says, “Fuck no, heathens. Nobody drives or rides in this car but me and my 14 snack-time donuts.” (I might be paraphrasing a bit.)
Later that day, Carl’s taking a diabetes-induced nap, when Mother Winslow & Harriette enter the living room briefly & Estelle brags about having taught Carl how to drive, then they leave.
Harriette goes to the kitchen, where Sweet Telma Hopkins convinces her that they should snag the old cop car & go on a joy ride:
In the garage, Sweet Telma caresses the car tenderly because it’s been over a year since her husband died/she had any penis. The car is equally excited:
In case you thinking I’m exaggerating, Harriette even asks Telma if she & the car want to be alone. Telma declines & finally convinces her sister that they should take the car for a spin.
Harriette agrees that Telma can drive, but only if they make right turns and:
They make it about 2 feet out of the driveway before hitting a tree, so the episode title make sense & because women are horrible drivers:
Sweet Telma & Harriette blame each other, but soon, the truth of the situation becomes apparent:
Luckily, Sweet Telma’s been taking adult-education car repair classes because being an unemployed writer gives you lots of free time. She begs Harriette not to tell Carl about the accident because she thinks she can fix the car & he’ll never know. Harriette agrees but tells Telma that she still has to fuck him, anyway.
Ha! Just kidding…about the fucking part, not about keeping quiet, which she agrees to.
In the middle of the night – while Carl continues with the world’s longest nap – Harriette sneaks outside to check on Telma’s progress, startling her:
Harriette assures her that Carl’s still asleep. Telma says that’s good, because fixing the car is gonna’ take all night.
Suddenly, Eddie shows up:
Eddie offers to help, but they rag on him about being too stupid, so he throws the wrench Telma hands him into a toolbox as loudly as possible, hoping to wake Carl, but doesn’t.
Harriette sneaks back inside; Carl is finally awake and does the first thing he always does when he wakes:
Harriette calls him a fat-ass and Carl says he hears some rattling noise outside. Harriette calls him a dumb-ass.
Just then, Eddie walks in & Harriet grounds him for another 2 weeks for being out after his curfew, because she doesn’t know how blackmail works.
Harriette manages to lure Carl back to bed with promises of Cheez Whiz spread across her ta-ta’s.
The next morning, she gets up early & makes coffee for Sweet Telma Hopkins (who’s in the kitchen taking a break from – still – working on the car but says she’ll be finished by the time Carl wakes up).
Eddie enters & presents his mom with a confession form he asks her to sign, saying he didn’t have anything to do with fucking up the car.
For once, Harriette does something (maybe the 1st thing) in her son’s best interest & signs it.
Then Eddie leaves.
Carl enters (unexpectedly early), ready for the Parade:
In rapid succession, Harriette runs to Telma, who says the car isn’t ready; Harriette re-enters the house & tries to get the kids to help her lie & stall their dad; and more attempted-blackmail begins.
To stay quiet, Eddie wants a dirt-bike, Laura wants a bicycle & Judy wants to not grow up to do porn:
Unfortunately for this 80’s-sitcom family, NONE of them seem to know how blackmail works & Carl becomes suspicious that they’re trying to keep him from going outside before they can get their bikes & horse & non-dong-filled careers.
Carl rushes outside & Harriette throws herself in front of the garage door to buy Sweet Telma some more time:
Carl throws Harriette a quick one (and while she’s recovering from fantasy-exhaustion) he opens the garage door to the Ooohs & Aaahs of the audience because….SURPRISE! Sweet Telma Hopkins fixed the car!
Carl heads out to the Parade, waving goodbye to his family:
THE END.
Ha! Just kidding.
Actually, after Carl leaves, the family goes back into the living room and Harriette tells Sweet Telma what a great job fixing the car she did & the kids try and shake their mom down for those presents they were blackmail-failing at earlier.
Harriette tries to lay a guilt trip on them for being such ungrateful brats in the 1st place and when that doesn’t work, Sweet Telma tells them to go fuck themselves because they can’t prove anything.
Just then, (SURPRISE!) Carl rings the doorbell.
Sweet Telma opens the door, where Carl & part of his car are standing:
Carl tells everybody to get their knee pads out, because – after he leads most of his car through the Parade & returns – everybody’s gonna’ have to suck it.
Instead of apologizing, the family goes to the Parade. WTF!?!
When everyone returns, Sweet Telma offers to take full responsibility for fucking up the car & plans on holding onto Little Richie when she confesses — just in case Carl wants to get violent, cuz Fuck Little Richie, also?
Carl finally comes home:
Before Carl can “lay” into everyone for being liars, assholes & poor mechanics, Harriette apologizes, explains what happened & apologizes again.
Sweet Telma (true to her word about endangering the life of her infant son by using him as a Human Shield) also apologizes; Little Richie is not amused:
Everyone else also apologizes – even Eddie: who is so used to being wrong & in trouble he doesn’t even know when he’s done something warranting an apology anymore.
Carl says he’s more pissed that everybody lied than by the fact that the car got fucked up.
THEN, he says that he accidentally backed into a float at the Parade and damaged the car again and asks Sweet Telma to fix the car (again).
Wait, what?
As much as I love Sweet Telma Hopkins, she fucked up the car, spent 12 hours “fixing” it, just for it to fall apart a whole 2 minutes later & Carl still asks her to “fix” it again?
A few minutes later, this episode mercifully ends with everyone laughing at how stupid they are:
EPISODE RECAP: Carl’s in a Parade; Telma tries & fails to fix a car she damaged; Eddie has a plan to finally not get shit on by his family, then shits on himself; Everyone laughs at everyone else’s stupidity.
LESSONS LEARNED: Women can’t fix cars or drive them; Blackmail doesn’t work if you’re stupid; Damaging someone else’s property is ok if you don’t lie about it; Buy Chapstick just in case (I assume).
Family Matters Reviewed 